If confession is good for the soul,

here you have it.

I simply don’t want to do this alone.  I wasn’t supposed to be diving alone, not how I envisioned learning,  not how I envisioned chasing rubber torpedo’s in the water,  none of it. Yesterday, as I prepared for an event, I pulled this out of my folder.  When I saw this post on Michelle’s fb page, I cried.   I never thought it would be ‘me’.  It is me.  It was such a good reminder that yea, IT IS ME! fbscreen
I also needed to find something buried in my fb messages and ran across this from a dear friend: “I heard you panicked…just get back on the horse. You are stronger than you think.” Thank you, Star, for being my Christopher Robin. Since my epic melt down, I’ve been back and have put my tank together by myself (without any explosions), wrewinnie-the-pooh-quotes1stled the entire contraption out of the water, can pop my ears, clear my mask, and lose my ‘life support system’, all the while feeling rather accomplished. And alone.

I re-listened to my pod cast with Drew Myers from Defining Audacity.  (pod cast link, if you’d like to listen). Thank you, Drew, it helps keep me remembering where I am!
I am re-focused on May, and going into it with a pretty full calendar, but, I WILL find the time, because I want to – to get back in the pool again!  My friend Linda said, if you want to do it, you’ll find the time.  So, here’s to staying focused, carving out scubamethe time, staying scheduled, and getting back in the water.  Not because I ‘have’ to – but, because I ‘want’ to!

Thanks for following me along on this
wild journey!

Growing in Grace,
Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com

 

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Eeps! Bookwork for Scuba Diving, who knew?

In that regard, I don’t have much to update! Who knew you had to do book studies, or in this case, online courses for scuba lessons?  Well, I surely didn’t! I truly hope to get into the water within the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned,,,

However, today’s post isn’t about that.  If you are following this blog,widow_large you are aware that I’m a widow, if this is the first time reading this, then, bam! There you have it, I’m a widow.  It’s sort of an interesting badge, ya know?  That word, widow, conjures up quite a bit of emotion doesn’t it?  If you’ve never been there, then good for you!  But, still, what does it make you think?  Oh, what do I say to her?  How are you?  I’m sorry for your loss?  I hope you are ‘moving on’ okay,, eesh! Do you wring your hands when you are finally in a situation where you ‘have to’ say something (ugh)? Nothing?  Yea, all of those and so much more.  For those of us that are in this club we call widowhood, it’s lihappytenke this:
Does it make sense now?  Perhaps you’ve encountered a widow or widower and thought for sure they’ve lost their mind.  No, not typically.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that you simply can’t imagine!

But, I digress – the super-quick low-down of the life of a widow isn’t even why I’m writing today.  Recently, I’ve seen this meme (boy, that’s quite an odd word) on Facebook: tears stop

I have to say, I just don’t agree with that.  My story should continue to evoke emotion.  Shouldn’t yours?  Especially in this club called widowhood.  Without my story, I am not the woman I’ve become.  Nor the one I will be tomorrow.  No, I’m not asking for your pity, I’m not looking for condolences, but the reality is, my story does make me cry!  Does that mean I’m stuck?  By no means.  It means that I loved deeply, remember strongly, and will live on, and out loud.  Have I not healed?  What does that even mean to a widow?  Healed sort of sounds like ‘move on’.  There is so much more to being a widow then healing, or moving on, or, or, however you would choose to say it.

My sister is a widow, and re-married and she still is moved to tears over what isn’t any more.  Is she sad that she is now married to her Chapter Two? No, but, her first husband was the father of her children, she spent over 30 years married to him!  Life is beautiful, and I’m really thankful that her story still moves her to cry; because then I know it’s okay for mine to also!

I pray that my story will continue to evoke emotion.  I was married for 35 years. I pray that his memory will still sometimes leak out of my eyes.  I also know that I am a much stronger person today then I ever imagined.

What are your thoughts?  Does your story still bring you some tears?  Has your story had no bumps?  We all have a story, and for myself, I will hold mine close to my heart so that when I share it, I be able to share it with passion, with emotion, some of which will bring tears, others that will bring laughter, but it will always be with love.

Thanks for following my journey!
Growing in Grace,Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com