If confession is good for the soul,

here you have it.

I simply don’t want to do this alone.  I wasn’t supposed to be diving alone, not how I envisioned learning,  not how I envisioned chasing rubber torpedo’s in the water,  none of it. Yesterday, as I prepared for an event, I pulled this out of my folder.  When I saw this post on Michelle’s fb page, I cried.   I never thought it would be ‘me’.  It is me.  It was such a good reminder that yea, IT IS ME! fbscreen
I also needed to find something buried in my fb messages and ran across this from a dear friend: “I heard you panicked…just get back on the horse. You are stronger than you think.” Thank you, Star, for being my Christopher Robin. Since my epic melt down, I’ve been back and have put my tank together by myself (without any explosions), wrewinnie-the-pooh-quotes1stled the entire contraption out of the water, can pop my ears, clear my mask, and lose my ‘life support system’, all the while feeling rather accomplished. And alone.

I re-listened to my pod cast with Drew Myers from Defining Audacity.  (pod cast link, if you’d like to listen). Thank you, Drew, it helps keep me remembering where I am!
I am re-focused on May, and going into it with a pretty full calendar, but, I WILL find the time, because I want to – to get back in the pool again!  My friend Linda said, if you want to do it, you’ll find the time.  So, here’s to staying focused, carving out scubamethe time, staying scheduled, and getting back in the water.  Not because I ‘have’ to – but, because I ‘want’ to!

Thanks for following me along on this
wild journey!

Growing in Grace,
Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com

 

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I didn’t go today.

(This blog post was not harmed by spell check, grammar check or any other form of perfection.  It is once again, a shoot it from the hip blog.)
I chickened out, ran far away, melted down, choose one or all, and you would be correct.

Saturday’s dive was all set.  Last Saturday that is.  I spent the morning chiseling away on my epic kitchen ‘paint’ job.  kitchen I stopped at noon, knowing full well that I was in the pool at 2:30, and didn’t want to be worn out.   I was excited!  Today I was getting to go in the deep end!  Yea, I’m 56 years old, and am excited about going into the DEEP END of the pool.  With full scuba gear on, flippers, too.  I was EXXXCITED!  Until.  Until I had to wrestle my feet into booties and flippers. Until I had to try to remember to clear my ears every 2 feet.  Until I felt like the walls were closing in on me.
Until I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  Until my instructor, Jeff at The Aqua Hut, said I had a death grip on his finger.  Deep end equals eight feet of water, friends.  Eight. simple. feet.  For pete’s sakes, I had AIR in my lungs, I could touch the bottom, yet, I completely, 100%, totally, melted down.
I’m going to assume that you’ve seen Finding Nemo?  Remember when Nemo decided to swim away, and Marlin had a panic attack? Yup, that was me. marlin-screams-in-eac-in-finding-nemo Complete. It was not happening.  There was no way I was staying in that pool.  Or, at least, the deep end.  I stayed in the shallow end, and swam around like a little baby.  I felt like a wimp.

I could give you many reasons why I had a panic attack, so, I will!  Remember to clear your ears every two feet, remember to breathe right, remember you use your entire leg when you have flippers on.  I was surrounded by walls, and felt they were toppling in on me.

I planned on going back today, hanging in the shallow end, pretend to clear my ears, practice doing so, just keep swimming, keep swimming.  Keep breathing, keep breathing.

This morning, I was struck by the realization that I know the real reason I melted.  It wasn’t supposed to be eyesthis way.  I wasn’t supposed to be taking Scuba Lessons alone.  In that deep end, I should have had these eyes telling me, it’s okay, you can do this.  But, I don’t.  Who knew scuba diving could be emotional?  oy!

A new day is coming, schedules make it a bit crazy, but, early next week, back in the pool I go.  Knowing that I am taking it all, step by step.

 

Thanks for following along,
Growing in Grace,
Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com
Beautycounter by Laura Grayce

 

 

‘That day’ finally came!

20160310_145837To say it was wrought with anxiety and tension would be an understatement. I woke up not even sure I wanted, or cared to go.  Yes, I am so glad I am diving, but, so sad I was ‘going alone’, ya know?  Or, maybe you don’t.

With that being said, let me back up a bit.  Perhaps you don’t know what ‘that day’ is!  A quick re-cap, I am a blessed recipient of Live the List. I applied for Scuba lessons, as that was on that list. I cried when I realized I was chosen! Live the List is a non-profit built to bless widows and widowers to live out the ‘we will do that, when the kids are gone, after we retire, next summer,,,,’.

I had an appointment on Thursday morning, and she asked me about scuba, so I had the opportunity to share with her and guests where I was in the process, and it sure did bring tears to my eyes!

My appointment was at 3 p.m., as you can see from the text message, 2016-03-14 19.07.34I was simply not prepared.  (Though, obviously the textee didn’t think about not being able to eat under water?)
My anxiety was through the roof, the fight or flight was running quite high! I had absolutely no idea what to expect, except I knew that having to purchase a form-fitting one piece bathing suit was quite a motivator to reduce the weight, but, hey, that’s not today’s topic!

Jeff, the owner of Aqua-Hut and his son Ian are great guys, and I love that everything is personal, 1:1 service. I’m not convinced I would have had the strength to do this first day in a group.  Emotions were running a bit high.

Jeff went over everything with me, and I stood there thinking, ‘yea, I did learn this with the on-line courses, but, where did it go, out my ear’?? It sure felt like it did!  I stood there thinking, there is no WAY I can breathe through20160310_145827 ‘that’ thing!  I’m gonna die.  What did he just tell me?  Let me just say, a tank loaded with air isn’t very light.  Strapped into the vest, with all those hoses, and weights,  I tossed that puppy into the water. It floated.  Imagine that.  I jumped into the water, Jeff strapped that bad boy on me, and I still floated.  We added weights.  Then more weights.  Finally, I sunk.  Folks, I don’t sink.  I don’t know how to sink.  I float.  I float on my back, I float on my stomach, I float along, like a lazy river.

Breathing under water is not a natural thing for a human, that adjustment took a bit of time, to say the least.  Getting used to not using your nose is quite different.  Again, Jeff did an amazing job simply playing a game to relax me.  My new toy is a plastic torpedo.  How did that work? We played catch.  Seriously.  It was rather fun, actually.  Objects really do look further away IMG_0666under water!

Jeff taught me how to purge my mask of water, which I was able to master the first time!  He also taught me the universal sign for, ‘thanks for knocking my life-support system out of my mouth’. 

He then left me to enjoy the water on my own, practice filling my mask with 20160314_185538water, and then purging it.  However, while I was under the water, the most tragic thing happened! MY TOE RING FELL OFF. GASP!   Panic set in, I had to go find it!  After that, I found a dime and a penny.  You can say, I went on my first under-water treasure hunt.

To say that I completely enjoyed myself would be an understatement!  I have another lesson next week, as Jeff is out of town on, yea, a dive – He said, it’s tough, but someone has to do it!

Day one is IN THE BOOKS!  More to come!  It was so much fun, and really, breathing under water isn’t all that traumatic.

Until next time,
Join me on this journey, it’s fun!

Growing in Grace,
Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com
Manager ~ Beautycounter

 

Eeps! Bookwork for Scuba Diving, who knew?

In that regard, I don’t have much to update! Who knew you had to do book studies, or in this case, online courses for scuba lessons?  Well, I surely didn’t! I truly hope to get into the water within the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned,,,

However, today’s post isn’t about that.  If you are following this blog,widow_large you are aware that I’m a widow, if this is the first time reading this, then, bam! There you have it, I’m a widow.  It’s sort of an interesting badge, ya know?  That word, widow, conjures up quite a bit of emotion doesn’t it?  If you’ve never been there, then good for you!  But, still, what does it make you think?  Oh, what do I say to her?  How are you?  I’m sorry for your loss?  I hope you are ‘moving on’ okay,, eesh! Do you wring your hands when you are finally in a situation where you ‘have to’ say something (ugh)? Nothing?  Yea, all of those and so much more.  For those of us that are in this club we call widowhood, it’s lihappytenke this:
Does it make sense now?  Perhaps you’ve encountered a widow or widower and thought for sure they’ve lost their mind.  No, not typically.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that you simply can’t imagine!

But, I digress – the super-quick low-down of the life of a widow isn’t even why I’m writing today.  Recently, I’ve seen this meme (boy, that’s quite an odd word) on Facebook: tears stop

I have to say, I just don’t agree with that.  My story should continue to evoke emotion.  Shouldn’t yours?  Especially in this club called widowhood.  Without my story, I am not the woman I’ve become.  Nor the one I will be tomorrow.  No, I’m not asking for your pity, I’m not looking for condolences, but the reality is, my story does make me cry!  Does that mean I’m stuck?  By no means.  It means that I loved deeply, remember strongly, and will live on, and out loud.  Have I not healed?  What does that even mean to a widow?  Healed sort of sounds like ‘move on’.  There is so much more to being a widow then healing, or moving on, or, or, however you would choose to say it.

My sister is a widow, and re-married and she still is moved to tears over what isn’t any more.  Is she sad that she is now married to her Chapter Two? No, but, her first husband was the father of her children, she spent over 30 years married to him!  Life is beautiful, and I’m really thankful that her story still moves her to cry; because then I know it’s okay for mine to also!

I pray that my story will continue to evoke emotion.  I was married for 35 years. I pray that his memory will still sometimes leak out of my eyes.  I also know that I am a much stronger person today then I ever imagined.

What are your thoughts?  Does your story still bring you some tears?  Has your story had no bumps?  We all have a story, and for myself, I will hold mine close to my heart so that when I share it, I be able to share it with passion, with emotion, some of which will bring tears, others that will bring laughter, but it will always be with love.

Thanks for following my journey!
Growing in Grace,Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com

Living it Out ~ Step by Step, Part 1.5

Yes, you read that correctly, part 1.5.
In my last blog, Part 1, I shared this:  For about a year prior to his passing, we began to dream big, and decided to live large, as our children had all made it to adult-hood.

Today’s post is more about living life out loud, and what that looks like in my world.  Over the past couple of months, I have felt that, in relationship to ‘why’ I am involved in Beautycounter.

In November, I felt that my why was no longer real.  Didn’t seem real to me, and, if it doesn’t seem real to me, how could it sound real to others?  As I considered that thought, I began to re-word my ‘why’, a portion of it looks like this:
As Ted was retired, we believed that with my income from Beautycounter, we would plan to travel, and live out loud the rest of our lives – however, that plan changed, when he passed away in October of 2013. To say that altered my life, would be an understatement, but to honor his memory, my income with purpose-findyourwhy-v3-300x300Beautycounter is allowing me to pay it forward into areas of giving that Ted held close to his heart, and also give me the opportunity to ‘live our list’,,,

I must confess, when I began to re-work my ‘why’, I had not officially been named the recipient of the Live The List . I was hopeful, but, hadn’t been officially named.  I’m excited to face that challenge, alone, but, not alone, as I know I have the backing of so many widows and widowers who have walked the same path.

I’m also looking forward to 2016 with a new perspective, a new chance to live out loud, pursue my business with passion (re-fired), and continue to discover ‘me’! 59590260a4364acf5ecd5aaa46441117
What about you?  What do you look forward to as 2016 peers down upon us all.
My prayer for you is if you’ve lost your compass,  that you find a new strength, a new purpose, a new hope.

An update on my Scuba Adventure ~ the plan is to begin my lessons soon after the 1st of the year, so – next week!! I’m pretty doggone excited, and am looking forward to you to continue the journey with me!

 

Growing in Grace,
Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com
Join the Counter Revolution!

 

Living it out, step by step ~ Part One

Do you know me?  Maybe not, maybe you do, maybe you follow my (very sporadic) blog posts.  Over the next few weeks, or, however, long it takes, I’m inviting you to go on a journey with me.

In October of 2013, my beloved went home to be with the Lord.  For about a year prior to his passing, we began to dream big, and decided to live large, as our children had all made it to adult-hood.  One of the big plans/dreams was to take scuba diving lessons, become certified, and dive in exotic places around the world.  Sadly, that did not materialize.   I gave up on living live out loud.  Or, at least, on those things we were going to do ‘together’.  As a matter of fact, one friend encouraged me to still dive, and I said, no – I didn’t even want to do that anymore.

I would have to say, about a year and a half into my ‘new normal’ journey, I stumbled upon a facebook page entitled One Fit Widow.  Her story of loss, but, more importantly, her desire to live, and to live out loud,  was simply inspiring for me.  She is truly, in my mind, a super-hero.

That is the back-story to where I find myself today. One of the facets of Michelle’s life is the building of a not-for-profit organization, called Live the List.  Michelle’s passion, along with her husband Keith (chapter 2, isn’t that amazing to be doubly blessed?), want to see widows and widowers live out the passions that they were unable to do because of the death of their spouse.

The Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving, I applied.  I thought, I can’t lose, right?  I reached out to the Aqua-Hut to determine the cost of classes, etc.  It was soon after the first of the month that I saw this on Facebook:
fbscreenMan!  Did I feel honored that Michelle was posting about ‘me’.  I wanted to burst, so I did.  into tears!
On December 8th, I posted this on my Instagram, and Facebook: It was a couple of hours later that I received an email from Live the List that I had been selected!  So, yeoceans, I burst out in tears.   You probably are getting a pattern here!
Tears.  I read the email to my son, as I cried.
When I think about this, I continue to cry.  I am truly humbled and blessed beyond measure that I was chosen for this truly memorable gift!

Last night, I couldn’t sleep – as I scrolled Facebook, I ran across this post on the One Fit Widow Facebook Page:

Tonight I want to tell you a love story.

In the photo below is a beautiful couple who shared a lifetime together. This is Ted and Laura and they first met 12/31/1977 when they were snowed in for 5 days STRAIGHT at Laura’s sisters house during the blizzard of 78.

Talk about fate and timing!

For 35 plus years and 6 children – Laura loved Ted and Ted loved Laura.

Ted dreamed of taking scuba diving lessons when he recovered and received a liver transplant. Unfortunately Ted never got the chance to make this dream come true.onefitwidowpic

Laura has come to Live The List Nonprofit to help her complete this wish of Ted’s. She has decided it will help her move forward boldly with her own personal future all while honoring a man who gave her all of him.

That’s what our nonprofit wants to offer. You see, by fulfilling dreams they had for their future in many ways we decide to keep living our future. That’s what I personally learned when I started living Mitch’s list and I love that other widowers are able to have that incredible feeling too. Many widows don’t have the financial resources to have these simple moments of pure happiness because the difficult situations they were left in leave them strapped. No time to think of themselves and their wishes for the future. We want to grant as many wishes as possible because we believe it makes a difference in many lives.

Laura, I can’t wait to see the photos from your dive and I’m so glad our nonprofit was able to help you live this dream for Ted but also for YOU.

By December 31st our goal is to raise $10,000 for our baby nonprofit. We have currently raised about $2000. We are a 501c3 organization which means some or all of your donation is tax deductible. If everyone just gave $20 tonight we’d long surpass our goal and be able to help countless widows/widowers.

Can you help us help others Live the List?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any shares or donations. We can’t do it without you.

Good night world – together we can make a difference,

Michelle

Guess what happened??? I cried my eyes out!!

With that, I’ll wrap up post #1.  I would love to see you follow my journey!
You can simply subscribe to my blog for updates!

Growing in Grace,
Laura B.
lgbeck59@gmail.com

 

 

 

Mother’s Day, 2015; What I’ve Been Longing To Say For Years

D.H. Barbara

It’s the second Sunday in May and here in Colorado you can almost bank on it being one of two things. Super hot or snowy. Today it’s snowy. It reminds me of May, 2008, when we moved to this wonderful, bi-polarized weather state. It did clear up to spend my first Mother’s Day here on a beautiful day.

Yes, this is a post about remembering, but it may not be the type of Mother’s Day post you’re expecting. Even if that’s the case, please read through. I’d like to tell you about some women, for whom this day is not joyful. I tell you about them, not to diminish your joy in the day, but to see that there is a need for prayer over them. For, if you are a believer on our Lord Jesus as your Savior and King, you are called to pray for the hurting.

Some…

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